Too much

You have been down all those times. Regret and self-reproach and everything of negative. But finally still u went through it,even though it's a lonely and cold journey. It's unbelievable but you believe that it's a chance given by God,to give you more than what you need and deserve of. God is kind enough not to punish you too harsh. God wants you to realize something you have never ever come across in mind before. And too you did. 

When you have decided that failure is nothing to be afraid of. Time prove everything and you won't be restricted to only one space of thoughts. You are going to change,due to some situation, or some happenings perhaps, to a better or worse,but it is just a cycle which repeats itself.You have learned it well enough. You are going to learn more and more anyhow, no matter it's joyful or bitter.

 And so you told yourself that you won't let those painful mistakes to happen once again.

At the moment when you just realize the fact that you would become a very terrible doctor. You are going to see your patients dying and crying for help but you would be like an idiot doing nothing. A senior just said, getting good result in medical field is nothing to be proud of, it's most probably just mean that you are a nerd. Good doctors usually come from those who score badly in exam because they just did it their way. I am absolutely agree with her. That's why. I never ever feel anything to be proud of,especially when you know you don't deserve it. The only thing that make you feel a little bit happy about the result is that you are going to leave this place more than soon enough.

Waking up from a horrible dream. I thought i have saved a patient but the next moment some emergency happened and he died in front of me and was sent to mortuary. I saw his parents crying and shouting his name,i saw his dad trying so hard not to let the tears fall down and hugging his mother who has been crying so long until becoming so weak. I saw the pain and disappointment in their eyes,the most hurtful tears i have ever felt,that they are going to lost their son forever. And i hug them. And cry. And cry again even after i have waken up. It's sarcastic that it's just a dream, but i felt the pain just like it did happened.

Because it may happen on one day.Just like when someone you love fall sick one day and you can't do anything even though you are a doctor. You just wonder how a doctor is really supposed to be. That how weak a doctor 's role could be. Especially when you realized that this profession is no longer to be as noble or as angel-ish as how you used to think before. Especially when you understand well enough how helpless could a patient feels and by no choice put all his hope on doctors. Especially when you know that,doctors are just human being after all. Especially,when you choose to become a doctor just because you want to save life.

And i remember that on someday a friend of mine told me, that in a volunteer work, an old man hold his hand tightly and told him that God bless him. Even though they don't understand each other language but that's how love communicate between strangers. And from that day on,he starts to realize his purpose of coming here and why he wants to become a doctor. Though at the same time,he also find the opposite elements to that reason.

That we have lost too much in this journey.

I guess this profession gives a lot of different meaning to each one. But there is always the same dilemma happened to many medical students: Doubting of your choice. Or even regretting about something that doesn't have its way to return. You can give up of course,no one says you can't,but so does no one is affordable to face that consequence.

He reminds me of a lot of things and values that i have long forgotten.While so many people are dreaming of such a career which i am doing it right now, i was beaten down to earth so many times by reality, depressed to the max and being self pity to be entrapped in those lonely cruel nightmares which i would never ever want to reminisce back again,but which in more fact,i am wasting such a golden chance that lots people desire of but never ever could have them. 

Yes,it's a realization. That's why so many people come to tell you that you have changed so much while you don't realize it at all. But at the same time some people thought that you are still the same while you have changed so much. 

Things would change but there are something in life that would never ever change. The paradox of fact of which i don't know how should i really feel about it. But at one point, i know i should live only for the truth that i truly believe of. 

No one will ever understand or care about how fragile u once been. No one will realize what leads to changes. That doesn't matter. Because so do you towards others. 

You would not blame. You don't seek understanding but you are hating the fact that why people are getting misunderstood and judging in their own way while they don't understand it at all. 

But there is no deny to the existence of such deepest darkness and sometime some people did come into such hole and lighten it up,even though they don't have such obligation, even though you are not really telling them directly that,oh yeah i am not fine. Care doesn't need to be explained in words,its existence is felt with heart. And sometimes you gotta climb out from that hole yourself. You have to do it yourself anyhow in life. Everyone does. Everyone has their worst moment that they gotta face themselves and only by themselves.

I don't mind if i did how many more mistakes in exam. 

But i am really worry if i would kill the patients.

And i know the remedy for such worry now is not about worrying,it's to start making an effort.

And I don't wish to pretend that i am strong enough to an extent that i can take every difficult situation as if it's not a great deal.

 I admit that i am still weak. 

But that's how i learn to get stronger.